Top 5 ways to kill yourself

Nowadays, killing oneself is easier than ever. We can all thank technology for that. After extensive research, however, some of the most sure-fire ways to self-terminate are some of the oldest methods available. "Tried and true," if you will. Here are my top 5 ways to kill yourself:

1. Gun shot
2. Drug/alcohol overdose
3. Hanging
4. Carbon monoxide inhalation
5. The Country Sausage Biscuit Platter (available only at Perkins):

While the Country Sausage Biscuit Platter is number 5 on the list, it's surely one of the quickest methods available today*.

If you know of any other killer meals, feel free to share them here so we can help each other understand the dangers that lurk in Perkins. Or any other restaurant. But mostly Perkins.

*WARNING: SIMPLY READING THE DESCRIPTION OF THE COUNTRY SAUSAGE BISCUIT PLATTER COULD LEAD TO SEVERE CHOLESTEROL INCREASE. AND HEART ATTACKS, I'M SURE.

You don't get scared? How about I jump out of the closet and stab you?

I just finished watching What Lies Beneath for the who knows what time. I love it.

I thought that acting like a real man went out with the 90s. Nowadays, it's romantic when a man cries. It's romantic when he squeezes his girlfriend's hand during the scary parts.

WRONG.

Apparently it's still fashionable for real men to scoff and shake their head in shame while watching a scary film.

I've got an idea. Perhaps you shouldn't watch scary movies if they don't scare you. Perhaps you should go lift weights and have sex with a few high school cheerleaders. And hurry up before you grow old and you can't have sex anymore.

Oh wait, real men don't age. I forgot about that, too.

Where the hell are all my black friends? I know that Sheri "GET YO ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE, BITCH, RUN!" Bradford wouldn't let me down.

The Civil War was right

You probably know that the further north you go, the colder it gets. What you probably don’t know is that South Carolina sucks ass.

I spent my spring break in Black Mountain, North Carolina. The best part of my trip? Everything. The worst part of my trip? Having to go through South Carolina to get there, and having to go back through South Carolina to come home. After having to brave the awfulness once, upon my return trip I seriously considered spending the extra three hours and three minutes it would have taken to avoid the state entirely.

Driving into Georgia, one may notice the simple, “Welcome to Georgia” sign posted on the side of the road. Driving into South Carolina, one may be related to Helen Keller if they miss the enormous welcoming banner and gated-fence superstructure that spans the entire width of the highway. It's a complete joke: South Carolina appears to be one huge retirement community; though no amount of old men diapers could ever match the fecal-flavored scents that South Carolina emits.

Note: Upon a Google Search for the retirement gates of South Carolina, I found absolutely nothing. In fact, all I could find was this:

I promise that I'm not lying. The gates exist. Possible theories:

1. South Carolina puts up fake images online to make the state seem more normal.
2. Georgia built the entrance as a practical joke.
   

Why the atrocious smells? South Carolina is a trashy paradox. They have more anti-littering signs posted on highways than any other state I’ve visited. They also have more trash on highways than any other state I’ve visited. My friends and I had to keep the windows up and the air conditioning blasting the entire time just to keep the vomit down (no offence to anyone who is from South Carolina – I’m sure you smell just fine).

It's only when you near the north side of South Carolina that the state becomes tolerable -- that's because you're now in North Carolina. North Carolina has some special mountain air that magically protects you from the trashy smells and Heather, that horrible waitress at the Ruby Tuesday's off of exit 78. Can't split a check my ass.

The moral of this story? I'm not sure. I'd suggest that if you're planning on taking a vacation to North Carolina, I suggest driving around South Carolina, leaving at least four states in between if possible:

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New Writing

It's called, "Next in Line" and you can read it by clicking here:



On that picture. Not actually on the word "here," which is somewhat misleading.

So there. Not here.

le french du teste

I know you were all worried about me taking my French test last week. I'll have you know that I scored a 90% on it. Yeah, that's right. I skipped all the classes that covered the material on the test because I had to shoot my Directing II film, "p.s.". So, I'm very excited that I got such a good grade. I totally didn't deserve it.

Good news: I have a writing that's going up soon. Probably tonight? I wrote it last night, but I didn't get a chance to post. So, I'll do my best to get it up ASAP.

New Writing: Excuses, Excuses