Indiana Jones and the It Wasn't That Good

Nowhere in the film does that woman look that good.

I often agree with film critic Roger Ebert's reviews. I knew going into Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull Kingdom and Something that he had given the film 3.5/4 stars. Upon leaving the film, I felt like I had missed something huge.

I always know there's a problem when I leave a movie and have to think for awhile before I say anything. That's me trying to come up with some sort of opinion, and it's usually not good.

It was when I got home that I actually read Ebert's review and have now concluded that he's completely insane. Here's the opening paragraph:

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Say it aloud. The very title causes the pulse to quicken, if you, like me, are a lover of pulp fiction. What I want is goofy action--lots of it. I want man-eating ants, swordfights between two people balanced on the backs of speeding jeeps, subterranean caverns of gold, vicious femme fatales, plunges down three waterfalls in a row, and the explanation for flying saucers. And throw in lots of monkeys.

1. The title does not make my pulse quicken. It makes me think of "The Phantom Menace."
   
2. Compared to the other three previous films, there was a significant lack of "goofy action."
   
3. The computer generated man-eating ants were... they looked horrible.
4. The computer generated sword fights between the two people balanced on the backs of speeding jeeps were... they looked horrible.
5. The computer generated plunges down three waterfalls didn't look too bad. However, no one man or woman could possibly survive that¹. And five people survived it. Three times.
   
6. I hate computer generated things.

The beginning of the movie starts out with a moderately-paced car race between the "U.S. Military" and four or five tool bag 50's teenagers in their parents' hot rod.

No, wait. I'm sorry. The beginning of the movie starts out with a computer generated gopher/prairie dog creature popping out of a mound of dirt. It's setup for later when Indiana Jones hides in a refrigerator in order to shield himself from an atomic bomb that explodes a few feet away from him. The refrigerator spirals high into the air and lands into the desert. Indiana Jones falls out of the fridge and the gopher/prairie dog creature peaks his head from the dirt and they share an adorable moment.

I wish I was joking.

There were some good parts in the film. Shia LaBeouf's performance was good -- though some of the scenes with him and Ford were completely awkward. The motorcycle scene in the beginning was fantastic. This scene was not:

EXT. TEMPLE WITH TRAPS - NIGHT

Shia LaBeouf gets stung by a big scorpion.

SHIA LABEOUF

Ow! I just got stung by a scorpion.

HARRISON FORD

Was it big or small?

SHIA LABEOUF

It was big! Is that good?

HARRISON FORD

Yep.

SHIA LABEOUF

Why? Why is that good?

HARRISON FORD

When it comes to scorpions, the bigger the better.

Shia LaBeouf smirks. He continues to be a tool.

Scene.

Something was certainly missing from this movie. The charm -- the magic -- the it being a good movie. Let me sum it up and say that it wasn't horrible. It was entertaining, for sure. But the boring and unfunny awkward parts far overpowered the genuine classic Jones feel.

As the credits rolled, I sat there thinking, simply -- it wasn't that good.

¹According to wikihow.com, people very seldom survive falls from heights of 100 feet or more, and chances of death are high even at heights of 20-30 feet. Yes, even in water. To increase your odds of water-fall survival, you need to land feet-first with your body nearly vertical. This however, will not eliminate high risk of being severely injured and/or unconscious.