Next in Line

If you've ever been to a Best Buy, you'll know that the employees are trained to stalk you. "No thanks, I'm just looking," doesn't translate in Bestbuian.

Greetings. I’m writing this from my job place of choice: BEST buy. I type it with capital letters because that’s how I like to say it. Some people say best BUY. I typically don't talk to those people.

I just referred a friend to work at Best Buy a week or so ago and they got the job. That means that I get money, which I’m sure my friend will extort in the form of a free meal. I’ve heard it all before – “...if it weren’t for me you wouldn’t have gotten the money hahahanowwhere'smyfood?” Typical.

Working at Best Buy isn’t so bad, though. I used to be a Customer Service Specialist. Returns and Exchanges were my name and doing them was my game (literally Jesse "Returns and Exchanges" Chapman). Getting yelled at was another game I played frequently. But I usually understand why people are yelling. They’re angry.

And even though they're angry, I do my best to understand where they’re coming from. That’s what made me a good Customer Service Specialist. I specialized in customer service, which means that if someone wanted to argue, I’d argue them to death with the tools of logic and intelligence. But one thing I wouldn't do is turn into a robot -- much like the general manager of my apartment complex does.

She's a moron and a robot. My air conditioner has been broken for the past, oh, say...since I’ve moved in a year ago. I've generated an image for everyone to follow along:

1. Air conditioner doesn’t work.
2. I call in a work order.
3. Guy comes out. "Fixes it."
4. Anywhere from two weeks to two months later, it breaks again.

That’s the cycle. It’s great. And by great I mean I want to kill myself every time I have to call the main office again and complain. Cue the general manager to “facilitate” the issue.

Here's the logic that I try to explain: Broken air conditioners do a similar thing that working air conditioners do -- blow air out into a room until it reaches a preset temperature. The difference is that a broken unit will never reach that preset temperature because the air isn't cool. That means that it just keeps blowing air -- all day long -- until it's fixed.

That means that my utility bill is very high. Higher than it has ever been. But for some reason she doesn't see a correlation between very high bills and broken appliances. In fact, in our most recent phone call she explained some important points to me that I will now share with you (spread the word, as they say) as well as my thoughts during the phone call.

1) 73 degrees is a very low temperature that will raise your utility bill.

My Thoughts: Your face emits a very low temperature that oddly enough raises my utility bill. I’m saying that you’re ugly and that you look like a cookie-cutter blond who has obviously succeeded in sleeping your way into a general manager position. God knows that you didn’t do it by having a personality and treating people with respect. I KNOW that 73 will raise my bill. But you know what’s odd? My apartment isn’t even REACHING 73! So...I’m wondering what the hell your tip of the day has anything to do with my situation.

2) I find that 76 is a reasonable temperature to keep my thermostat at.

My Thoughts: While we’re sharing things that completely don’t relate to my problem, I find that my penis shrinks to a reasonable size in the shower – perfect for traveling long distances! What the hell do I care about your thermostat? Are you a vegan? If so, I may want to reconsider the types of food I eat! Oh wait...wait...wait........

3) I understand what you’re saying, but there’s really nothing we can do in terms of lowering your utility bill. There’s nothing really to indicate that the air conditioner is the cause of this issue.

My Thoughts: Okay, so my bill fluctuates between a reasonable $4 - $25 during the course of my stay. Now, when I’m having huge issues it shoots up to $38. I guess you’re right. There really just isn’t any correlation at all. Give me a call the next time someone slaps you in the face and you suddenly wonder why your face hurts.

4) Have you tried turning off lights?

My Thoughts: Have you tried thinking? I know you’re a robot and/or alien trying desperately to understand how human interaction works, but seriously – you MUST know how listening works. I mean, that’s the fundamental step in communication. It’s really a lot more important than speaking, despite what some people might say.

5) Do you have mini-fridges?

My Thoughts: Your honor, I object and move to mistrial on account of WHAT THE HELL in the first degree.

6) A lot of the other tenants have bills this high. Your bill is in the normal range.

My Thoughts: Okay, so I think you’re missing the point. I don’t have mini-fridges. I turn my lights off. I challenge you to find another apartment that has no fridges and takes the same steps that my roommates and I take that has the same bill. I guarantee that those “similar bills” have eighteen fridges a piece and run nightly carnivals.

This is the same general manager that when I told her my couch was broken she told me I should have reported it on my move-in form. When a maintenance man came to check the couch he found that the wood frame in the couch was broken. He found that out by cutting the bottom of the couch open.

"So, you're telling me that I should have cut the bottom of my couch open?"

"I would have done whatever it took to make sure I accurately represented my apartment on my move-in form. We take these forms very seriously."

Yes, she actually said that. So, now I'm waiting to hear back from the regional manager. Maybe he's a human!

A picture that someone took of me while I was hard at work.

Where was I...? Oh yeah. best BUY. I’m no longer working in customer service. I’m now working as a phone operator. I answer the phone and take customer issues and calls. My goal is to never transfer a call to a department. In fact, today is my first day as a phone operator.

They store the phone operators behind the wall of customer service. Why do I still have to wear the blue shirt and khaki pants? Because it makes me feel like part of the store family. That’s why.

I’m sitting here doing a lot of nothing (clearly – writing this as employees are walking by and laughing at my prose), but that doesn’t mean that it’s not completely exciting (in case my managers are reading this, I actually find this job to be the BEST job)!

I worked on Halloween. I was hoping that children would come tricker-treating at Best Buy so I could take pennies out of the cash drawers and hand them out.

Remember when old people would give out pennies? What the hell? I never thought to myself, “Stupid old people” though. I always just thought that they were confused or something. Like they went to reach for the candy but they missed and cashed in their live savings instead.

RRRING RRRING! I just had a customer call in and ask me a question. Then, after that, someone else called in and asked if I could hold an item for them.

I said, “yes.”

I can hold an item for them. I can do lots of things that I couldn’t do before. Like walk around an area of more than eighteen and a half feet. I have a ridiculous Bluetooth headset that I wear now which remotely lifts a receiver off a regular phone to connect my calls. I’m serious. The headset actually comes with a device that resembles a robot arm that actually raises the receiver of a normal phone off the base to connect my call.

A real image of an Apple Store.

I’m living in the future.

But the real future is the Apple Store at the Mall at Millennia. I just went there the other day to purchase an external hard drive. You walk inside and feel like the oxygen is easier to breathe. The open space allows you to move freely around the store even when it’s packed to the brim. The employees speak to you articulately as if they’re supercomputer robots capable of searching their cores for the answers to any of your questions.

That’s exactly why Microsoft doesn’t have its own store. Can you image what it would be like?

How I envision the Microsoft Store.

You’d walk into the front doors and immediately feel as if you stepped off a plane into the Arizona desert. As you panted heavily trying to find your products down the narrow isles, bumping into homeless people along the way, you’d contract AIDS. The employees wouldn’t exist; instead, an automated phone system that connects you to a beautiful female voice would repeat, “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand you. Just tell me what category of product you’re looking for.” Upon the third time she “didn’t understand you,” she’d say, “I’m sorry I can’t help you. Try your call again later.” When you finally found your products, the cashier wouldn’t be able to complete the transaction due to an error message on the computer. The “I-haven’t-taken-a-shower-in-five-or-so-days-because-I’m-a-hacker” employee would call a manager over the intercom, “Blue screen reboot to lane four, please. Blue screen reboot…to lane four.” Then, as you left the store you’d freeze in place. The only option you’d have at that point would be to Ctrl+Alt+Delete your shopping experience, which wouldn’t be savory since you’d have to do it all over again.

Wow. Cancer and AIDS in one essay. I’m just two abortions and a gay marriage away from being controversial.